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Okay, let’s do a monologue. Now, this might get a little weird, so bear with me. But tonight I want to talk about dogs. As I’m sure many of you know, I recently got my own dog. Yeah, I’m tired of stealing from other people in the park.
Well, his name is Gus. And unlike the cast of “The View,” he doesn’t bite people when he’s hungry and nearly potty-trained. And unlike Joe Biden, he doesn’t mark his territory with urine and can ladder it himself. True, Joe is just another mammal that needs to walk.
But ever since I got Gus, I began to understand something interesting about dogs as they relate to politics. You see, I think dogs are great integrators. That as much as some leaders try to tear this country apart, sometimes dogs quietly help keep us together. Well. Pelosi is very divisive, but that’s because she’s 90% pitbull. But we have been together for 30,000 years. You know, when people were barely clothed and smelled awful. But enough about Seth Rogen.
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So dogs must really like us. Think about it. Dogs may be the one thing that people on all sides of the political spectrum can agree that they love. Well, that and pizza. You know, even communists love dogs, but usually on pizza. Hey, truth is bitter. Remember during the riots, or, as CNN called it, “peaceful protests,” pet stores weren’t on fire. Well, there was a shop, but the animals were saved by a friend.
So why is it so? Well, part of it is that pets provide – dogs provide – the perfect companion without any baggage. Dogs are easy to understand. They want food, walks, petting. It’s like a spouse minus the complaint. And like a life partner sometimes brings me a dead bird on my birthday. But while a friend may talk your ear off about global warming, your corgi is never going to bark at you over the Green New Deal. He may poop on your living room rug, but Jerry Nadler will do both.
But some Dogs may become interested in politics if given the right mentor. Here’s Gus when he hears the beginning of Tucker’s show.
Tucker Carlson: Good evening and welcome to “Tucker Carlson Tonight”. The depressing thing about the news media is, no matter how terrible they are, you need them. You cannot understand the world without the news media.
But here’s Gus when he listens to Brian Kilmeade.
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To be fair to Gus, almost everyone has a reaction when they hear Brian Kilmeade speak, including meth and crack addicts. And of course, there are some interesting parallels between dogs and Democrats. We know that dogs, like some dames, will hump just about anything when given the chance. And yes, some dogs and some dames have fleas. And dogs sometimes fart on TV. But for the most part, dogs create infinitely more love than problems in this world.
And if you still don’t believe me, consider this. Me, Kat and AOC all have a Frenchie. So a righty, a liberal and a nut bag lefty all own the same breed. Talk about unity. But am I sorry for AOC’s mute. Imagine listening to that bark all day and having to constantly clean up after it. Oh.
And no offense to the cats or cat owners out there, there’s a lot going for your pet as well. But crap in a box in the kitchen isn’t one of them. And if you’re a professional wrestler and you have a few turtles, that’s okay. Giant tortoises would make a great pet for Nancy Pelosi. They both live for hundreds of years.
But just remember, next time you accidentally spill peanut butter and I’m not sure how you spill peanut butter, but if you do this somewhere on your body, your cat will be there to help get it off you. Will not be taken. But your dog or maybe Brian Stelter definitely will. If Ana Navarro can’t beat him.